Things That Run Through My Mind After The Death Of My Husband

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We each had shirts with this on it β€” lyrics from the Bruce Springsteen song, Born To Run; also the last thing I said to my husband that I know he heard.
  1. I’m planning for my future.
    Or I’m planning to plan. I’m not sure what I want to do yet. But I have ideas. And I think about them. And then I think that I am some kind of messed up inside because I’m planning to go on living life without him already. Then I think that there must be something wrong with me again.
  2. I’m grateful for time.
    I know that seems weird. It does to me anyway. But I haven’t had time in ages. I was a mom so time was pretty much non-existent then. And then I was taking care of my husband. His mental health and then his physical health were such a big part of our lives. If you don’t have mental health conditions or a physical condition you just don’t realize how much time that can take up for yourself or for the loved one that takes care of you. So, I have all this time. Time to write, to watch TV, to work, to go out. I am really enjoying it. Until I feel bad that I am enjoying myself and my time so much. Which brings me back to point #1.
  3. I’m so glad to have money.
    We were really poor. My husband couldn’t work (and I really mean he couldn’t) and even though he tried to bring in a little extra money via doing taxes and eBay and stuff like that, it wasn’t much most of the time and it wasn’t consistent. I’m grateful for what he was able to do. I also couldn’t work a lot because he needed me to be at home a lot. So, I worked no more than 30 hours a week. And I felt bad when I had to leave him at home alone because he was mostly alone. He had a few friends and family (that lived far away) that he could call sometimes but that’s not the same as having someone with you. And being alone was always hard for him. But now, I can work full time. And I’m making more money than I have in β€” well, ever. And he had insurance so I will get a pay out from that. And for the first time in my life, I will be able to think about doing some of the things I have always wanted to do. I could write full time. I could travel. I could buy a house. And once again, I feel guilty about that. Because, well, #1.

π‘·π’“π’π’‡π’†π’”π’”π’Šπ’π’π’‚π’ π’˜π’“π’Šπ’•π’†π’“, coffee freak. Find me on the web: https://beacons.ai/dani.space π‘¬π’Žπ’‚π’Šπ’ π’Žπ’†: danielle.mcgaw@gmail.com

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